I Will Try to Fix You

Wanting to fix people comes from a wholesome wish for them to be happy. But that wholesome wish for their happiness can become distorted if we let it. There is a big difference between wishing happiness for someone and feeling responsible for their happiness. We can’t ever let ourselves feel responsible for others' happiness. We are not responsible for curing people's pain.  It is not our place to do that. It is only our place to be loving and compassionate. The person with the pain or the problem is the one that needs to do something about those things if they are going to. And if they don't, it is not really our concern. Except that we may get irritated from people complaining about their problems without taking any action to solve them. They don't have to take action to help themselves, but they can’t carry on and on about it either. They still don't have the right to dump their complaints on us constantly, and if we get sick of it, we should let them know.

The next time someone complains, perhaps just say, “Well, what do you plan to do about it?” That is a MUCH better response than a fixing response. It keeps ownership of the problem where it belongs. If they specifically asks what we think they should do, of course, be happy to tell them, without any expectation that they will actually do it.

I will probably have to do this periodically, since it just seems like I am prone to being a “fixer,” but I hereby let go of responsibility for any and all of other people's problems. And I will continue to be an empathetic listener as long as it seems appropriate, before telling them to put up or shut up.

Acceptance

Whenever I start feeling worried, restless, defensive or full of doubt, it all boils down to a lack of acceptance of myself and my situation.  I know this, but I forget it so easily.  I start getting caught up in those feelings and old ways of attempting to resolve them - like over-analyzing, planning, obsessing, arguing, blaming, or complaining.  But sometimes I just need to face the fact that I am not as perfect as I’d like to be.  And that not being perfect is absolutely OK. 

When I acknowledge and accept my imperfections, all of the doubt and defensiveness melts away.  What’s left after that is a sigh of relief and a smile.

Letting go is so much easier than trying to be right all the time.

Yeah, I know.  This post is in contrast to what I wrote about earlier, that having a sense of being right has significant value in my life.  It is all about balance.  The problem with being right a lot of the time is that it makes it more difficult to accept being wrong.  But the fact of the matter is, I'm not right all of the time so I need to be realistic.

It is difficult for a perfectionist to let her guard down, but this is what must be done.  I can just relax already.

Protecting Your Inner Solitude

One thing that keeps ringing in my mind since my time at Aranya Bodhi was a teaching given about protecting your inner solitude. It involves staying present with yourself and even withdrawing from certain social interactions that are not conducive to spiritual goals. The teaching was focused toward monastics protecting their solitude and protecting their ability to keep their many precepts. But this teaching also applies to lay practitioners as well.

It is hard enough for a lay person to keep five precepts. The world and society we live in is geared toward getting more, staying distracted, and trying to achieve our fantasies. It is geared toward constant stimulation and social interactions full of fluff (small talk, gossip, etc).

One thing that has been very difficult for me to work with is the bombardment of entertainment that is hyper-focused on romance. 99 out of 100 songs on the radio have something to do with romantic love in some form or another. It seems like there is not a single blockbuster movie that doesn't include some sort of romantic storyline. And it is so far from reality! But we see it so often in Hollywood that we become convinced that this stuff is real. This just makes us feel like we are missing something in our lives if we don't have a romantic partner. Like there is something wrong with us if we don't experience that fantastic romantic story in which we are the star. I do love this song by Metric called Sick Muse. She sings, "Watch out Cupid, stuck me with sickness, pull your little arrows out and let me live my life." and "Everybody, everybody just wanna fall in love. Everybody, everybody just wanna play the lead." Yep.

This is why I don't watch a lot of movies and don't listen to the radio much. Most of the music I do listen to is instrumental. But my kids like to watch movies and even all those so-called family movies tend to have "happily-ever-after" type romantic themes! It is just impossible to avoid. And it is very tough to try to teach my kids that this is not reality. I can't just take away movies from them altogether. But we do have conversations about them in an effort to help them think critically about the things they learn from entertainment.

It is easy to start thinking that romantic love is our highest goal, our highest purpose in life. But romantic love of any kind is ALWAYS temporary. Even those that make it a lifetime, lose each other eventually in death. Intellectually, it doesn't make much sense to devote our entire lives to something that is fleeting. I think the reason that so many of us do is that we feel that a higher and eternal love and happiness is unattainable, or that it is only available to us in heaven when we die. We have a sense that since this highest love is not attainable, we may as well just give in to that fleeting, earthly, romantic love. And then we try to hang on to it and we suffer. Suffer dearly.

Don't get me wrong. I am actually not against romantic love. I still long for a beautiful companion to enjoy pleasures and pain with. But the lesson I am learning is that this is only an after-thought in comparison to my highest goal, my highest purpose for my life. My highest goal is solitary happiness. This solitary happiness is my rock. Resting in the reality of the way things are in perfect equanimity is my goal. I find this equanimity through solitude and meditation.

When I am alone, it is easy. I can dwell in mindfulness. When I am with others, I find that I need to do a better job of protecting that mindfulness and inner solitude. It is easy to get pulled off course. To get pulled away from my purpose. To get distracted. To get pulled into stories that spin off into proliferation in my mind.

Just having a mind of spaciousness when I am with others helps me to stay true to this inner solitude. It is possible to be with others and to have a mind of solitude. It is like abiding at the bottom of the ocean where it is calm, while the waves swell up above at the surface. Here is where I should abide when I get distracted by the search for romantic love.

Recommended Reading:
Nothing Higher to Live For: A Buddhist View of Romantic Love by Bhikkhu Nyanasobhano