Wednesday, May 4, 2011

We Are All Solitary

When I was a child, my inner world was magical. I had a blissful, private world full of delights. I was full of feeling and imagination. My parents loved me and cared for me well. There was nothing missing. I was whole and happy.

When I became a teenager, as I separated more from my parents, I discovered loneliness. It was sort of bittersweet, but it also seemed like a problem to be solved. The world told me that if I were to find a boy to love me, that problem would be solved.

So here I am, at a ripe age of 37, finally completely understanding through experience, that not only is a boy not the solution to the problem of loneliness, but that loneliness is not even really a problem. That loneliness comes and goes on its own and the more connected I am to myself as a solitary being, the less lonely I feel. It took awhile to get here because for most of my life, there have been so many boys available to me and eager to try to help me solve the loneliness problem. In my late 30’s, with a full time job and kids to take care of, opportunities with boys just aren’t as plentiful as they used to be.

At first that fact was frustrating to me. Apparently 1 in 5 couples these days have met online, so I tried online dating for awhile. I’ve met several very good men that way. But for whatever reasons, nothing has worked out. Maybe it is because people my age just aren’t as open and carefree as we used to be. We have some baggage and may be overly cautious. Or maybe we are too picky. We have a better idea of what we want in a mate and since there are so many people online, we may be too quick to pass someone over and move on to the next person. Or when we do find someone we like, maybe we move way too fast and it becomes uncomfortable for one or both people. Just add water and there is your instant relationship!

So now it is time to take a break from all that. It was fun for awhile, but now it is time to re-group with myself. Time to spend some quality time with my best friend - the magical, blissful, delightful, full of feeling, imaginative, loved, whole and happy solitary being that is me.

When I write that down, it looks like incredibly cheesy self-help pop-psychology or a Stuart Smalley-ism, but really it is true. The reason that I haven’t been feeling lonely lately is that I have been feeling in touch with my inner girl. I’ve been feeling connected with the part of me that existed prior to knowing loneliness, prior to knowing the mating urge, emptiness or incompleteness, danger or sorrow.

We are all solitary. There is no getting around our physical separateness from one another. Or our mental and emotional separateness. No one will ever know us as well as we know ourselves. No matter how many friends and loved ones we have, no matter how well connected we are socially, each of us is still on our own. When that fact is not scary to us, we have incredible power in our lives.