Space

The kind of relationship I want is with someone who can give me plenty of space. My kids are my priority. I will continue to have my own life and plenty of time alone. I will take whatever time I need to go back to school when the time is right. I will spend plenty of time at the meditation center or with friends or with family. I will go on long meditation retreats. There are many people and many activities that satisfy the different needs of my whole being. My dear one must be able to let me go whenever I need to be let go.

And I must be able to do this too. Oh yeah! That’s the tricky thing isn’t it? I’m not used to having to do this. None of the men in my past really wanted me to let them go. They have usually clung to me in a needy way. I suppose that had its benefits at times. It is nice to be worshiped and idolized. It is nice to be needed and feel like the center of someone's universe. It makes me feel powerful and worthwhile. Perhaps even saintly - a pillar of pious strength, dedication and service without asking for anything in return. Tis better to give and wicked to ever receive. But that is the way of co-dependency. Co-dependency certainly has its satisfactions and advantages. Everything out there about co-dependency is so derogatory, but really, it has its place. Some people really need to give and some people really need to take.

However, I want something different this time. How about interdependence instead of co-dependence? I do want to be needed to a certain degree, just not smothered and burdened down by someone’s needs. I want to be needed as a very important part of someone’s life, just not the only part. I want to be a VIP, not a servant! I don’t think I have to sacrifice feeling powerful and worthwhile either. I believe I don’t need someone to be dependent upon me in order to feel powerful and worthwhile. And what about letting myself be ok with needing another, be ok with receiving?

Yes, I can let go. There is no benefit for me or anyone else in being forceful, demanding, or controlling. Yet, I do have high standards and expectations for I how deserve to be treated by a man. My expectations are actually quite simple. Not low, but simple. As long as there is honesty, openness, responsibility, compatibility, and attraction to begin with, it shouldn’t be any work at all. My simple expectations are these: quality time set aside for me, along with attention, affection and admiration. I don’t require a lot of reassurance that I am lovable. I know already that I am. But it is important to me that if someone loves me, he is able to express it, in small but meaningful ways.

All this talk of space. I need space, I need space! Yet, when I have it, I get afraid. What if I change my mind? What if he changes his mind? So what? What have I lost, then? Something that was never mine to begin with. Not me, not mine, not certain. Is that really a loss then?

I can just relax now. If there is love and if it is true, it is not going to disappear. I don’t have to grasp and cling. And I don’t have to push it away either in some effort to avoid having to lose it. If it is going to come, it is going to come. If it is going to go, it is going to go. There is nothing I can do about it, so why be concerned?

"I don't feel threatened. You can live your life being scared of losing someone, and, at the end of the day, if he is going to leave you, he'll leave you, and that's it." – Ali Hewson (married to Bono from U2 since 1982) http://www.macphisto.net/theband/interviews/inter14.html