Solitude as a Career (Part 1)

Hermit. That is what the Venerable Bhikkhuni (honorable female monk) called herself at the dhamma talk I went to hear last Saturday. A hermit lives in solitude from the world, which is conducive to a spiritual purpose. Solitude not as an end in itself. Solitude as a means to an end, a spiritual purpose. Solitude as the condition for spiritual insight.

I wonder how I would fare with such solitude. Certainly at this point in my life it would be a shock to my system.

Or would it be? If I had unlimited solitude to do inner work, or rather, continue the inner work that I tend to do daily when I technically should be doing outer work, maybe I would be very happy. Maybe I would finally work through my own neediness and loneliness and craving.

Or maybe I would just be in solitude, lonely, needy and craving. I’m sure it would be that way, at least at first. But then it could become the ultimate test of emotional self-reliance. A test to see what is really on the other side of the pain.

Spiritual hermits run toward pain. Spiritual hermits use solitude to look deeply inside themselves and understand themselves and as a result understand all humans, all beings. They find wisdom, love and compassion and it radiates to all beings through their meditation and prayer.

What is it like for the Venerable Bhikkhuni? To do inner work only?

It is no wonder that there aren’t many people in this society that are called to monastic life. Those who do have a bit of a tug toward it may be hindered by the expectations of society to be productive citizens. Inner work is really not valued in this society. There are very few pockets of people in this US culture that understand and appreciate inner work, and even those of us that do are secretly skeptical about those that are dependent upon others for food, clothing and shelter. And I care so much about what others think. I don’t ever want anyone to consider me a burden on society.

I have always been so proud of my independence. But honestly, independence can be such a burden. Pride is such a burden. Being so independent and proud makes it difficult to accept help, to accept the generosity of others when it is really needed. I tend to feel that something must be given in return. I don’t like to feel that I am in debt to anyone for kindness they have shown me.

Much of that feeling of indebtedness is my own making, of course. When I help or give to others, I generally do my best to work through and let go of any expectations of receiving anything in return. So why do I think that others expect things from me in return for their generosity? Perhaps there are some that do have expectations, but for the most part, it is possible for people to give freely, without expectations. Though it is also possible to give only out of fear or obligation, which is a negative side of giving.

What is my intention when I help or give? Is it to relieve a sense of fear, obligation or debt that I feel I owe? Or is it out of a sense of completeness, abundance and compassion? That is the question.

And what is my experience when I receive? Do I feel lacking personally somehow? Or can I feel joyful that I have allowed someone the opportunity to practice generosity? It is possible to feel joyful in giving and in receiving. Not the selfish kind of joy that a child feels when they receive a new toy. But a shared joy. Both the giver and the receiver are participating in a joyful event of generosity and gratitude. Both of which are qualities worth cultivating.

Ultimately once we have found value in something worth valuing, like the dedication to inner work, we should support it in any way we can. That can be a joyful obligation. Right now in my outer, worldly life I sincerely value the insights and teachings of those who have done a lot of inner work. So in that case, it is easy to lose sight of who is the giver and who is the receiver. Is the monk really the receiver because they are dependent? Or is the supporter of the monk really the receiver because of the wisdom that is passed on to them by the monk?

Some may say that becoming a monk is a selfish endeavor. People become monastics because they want to test and experience the teachings of freedom of heart and mind for themselves. They want to be free. They want to be happy. But one who has done that sort of inner work and does become free and happy would be unable to keep the results of that work hidden from the world. It will be shared. Of course it makes sense that one must be free and happy themselves if they are to truly help others to become free and happy. That is the life’s work of a monk. May all beings be well and happy.

Inner

There is so much pain in this worldly life. Some days I feel so overwhelmed. Money, relationships, work, children, driving, cooking, cleaning, commercials, computers, iPhones, politics, crime, injustice, the clock... not enough time, not enough money, not enough peace, not enough humanity in the cold individualism that is this culture.

And I just haven't been very inspired to write lately.

I feel like words have left me lately. Someone asks me a question or involves me in a conversation and my mind goes blank. I just feel like being quiet. It takes too much effort to try to think of things to say sometimes. All my secret aspirations of becoming known as a writer and/or teacher just seem so ridiculous today. I feel way too caught up in my own inner world sometimes and I'm always changing my mind about how involved I really want to be in the outer world.

On and off throughout my life I have had the aspiration of becoming a nun or at least doing some great spiritual thing with my life. When I was in Catholic grade school, I wanted to be a Catholic sister. But then I decided I wanted to get married and have children. I got married without children, got divorced and decided I wanted to join the Peace Corp and never get married again. But instead I decided to get a job and make money. In the corporate world I met a man and decided I still wanted to be married and have children. So I got married and had children. Then I found Buddhism and realized that I would like to be a Buddhist nun. But I already had obligations that I had chosen so I practiced as best I could as a layperson. The changed person I became certainly contributed to the divorce that followed.

So here I am, divorced, with children, living the best lay Buddhist life I know how. Certainly far from living like a monastic. So many worldly demands I must keep up with.

My kids are young - 5 and 7. It's going to be awhile before they grow up and I can run 0ff to the monastery. But would I really want to run off to the monastery even then? Desire for sex and companionship is still much too strong in me now. And when my kids are grown, I suspect that I will still desire that. Even though the world is harsh and seems irrelevant to me sometimes - disenchantment perhaps is a better word to describe how I feel about the world sometimes - I am still strongly pulled by the world and want to experience it. I'm not ready to give up the little pleasures of the world anytime soon. I enjoy my worldly delights.

Still, I couldn't help but well up when I read this story about a 68 year-old woman who was recently ordained as a Buddhist nun. I just figured that once I hit 50 I can forget about getting ordained. How fair is that to live your whole life enjoying worldly pleasures and then head off to the monastery to enjoy a free retirement to contemplate spiritual things to one's heart's content? But maybe it isn't really about fairness. Maybe it is more about ripeness. Some are ripe at age 7, some at 68. Who can judge what is right or not?

Perhaps I am in my longing-to-be-a-nun kick because I feel so world weary lately. A meditation retreat probably would ease this a bit. I'm overdue.

I am not ripe for monastic life. I would rather have a life-long companion. But if I outlive my companion, perhaps I will become ripe then and renounce the world at last.

http://www.tampabay.com/news/religion/article1143430.ece

Less Talk, More Action

Here's a nice little article:

10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew about Men

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
3. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life -- not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
5. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
6. Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
7. Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
9. Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

http://www.gracecentered.com/what_men_wish_women_knew_about_men.htm
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

It is nice to see someone else put in print much of what I already suspected to be true. I’m not sure I really trusted this knowledge enough to put it to good use in my past relationships. That is a regret that I have. In a lot of ways, I did well, so I can’t be too hard on myself. I was intuitive enough to know that I needed to take responsibility for my own joy and pain rather than make my man feel he is to blame. I’ve always had a sense that criticism or even “constructive feedback” typically backfires, only being sort of intuitively aware that this is because it shows disrespect. Sex is certainly an area where I’ve always sensed a meaning to men beyond physical needs. I’ve always felt that I really had to care for my man in bed, understanding intuitively his vulnerability at that time.

I’ve been reading this book called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. I got what I needed from that book in just a few chapters. Seems to me the authors tried to stretch out a topic that is so simple that it really doesn’t require much elaboration. The key premise of the book is this: It is not communication that is missing in the rough patches in a relationship, it is connection. Disconnection is triggered by women’s natural tendency toward anxiety and fear and men’s natural tendency toward shame. When our fear or shame is triggered, we start to feel disconnected. When women feel disconnected, they want to talk. When men feel disconnected, they tend toward fight or flight. And that is where we run into conflicts. When we don’t truly address fear and shame in a relationship, and see it for what it really is (natural tendencies in each person and not the direct result of something the other person did or did not do), it is easy to start feeling resentment toward the other person. This often eventually leads down the path of separation and divorce.

Some of the tips for resolving this sense of disconnection I’ve read so far are pretty cliché: Give your partner a back rub after a hard day, blah, blah, blah. But ultimately chapter 2 of the book, geared toward how to transform our fear and shame and re-connect with our partners, really is pointing to mindfulness, compassion and the quality of no-self, which are key teachings of Buddhism. Unfortunately, this book just barely mentioned the need to see the emotions of fear and shame before being able to do something about them. It certainly did not explain how to be mindful of those emotions. This book along with a good book on how to establish mindfulness would be perfect companions, in my opinion. Perhaps The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hahn would be well suited toward that purpose. Thich Nhat Hahn is my favorite Zen teacher on mindfulness in daily life. While standing, sitting, walking, or lying down, we can always bring awareness to our breathing. Awareness of breathing helps us get in touch with our body and mind. While we are breathing, we can take a look and see what is there. At the same time, we can have compassion for ourselves for what is there. He would probably suggest a meditation like this:

Breathing in, there is fear
Breathing out, I care about this fear
Breathing in, there is shame
Breathing out, I care about this shame

Once we are able to clearly identify that we are feeling disconnected, we need to have an understanding of why. Knowing that these feelings are the result of our inborn natural tendencies (nature) as well as causes and conditions over the course of our lifetime (nurture), we can take them less personally. Sometimes we just feel lonely and disconnected or like we are not worthy of goodness. This is just how it is sometimes. These feelings come up all on their own and once they have arisen, here they are for us to work with. We can either take them seriously, spinning stories about why this is so and who is to blame – or we can see them for just what they are without attaching any stories or blame. This fear is here now. It is just fear. There need not be anything extra to it. It is not me, mine or certain. This is the quality of no-self.

When our partner is acting out with critical words or avoidance, we can apply this mindfulness to their mental state as well. If we ask the question, “Is his/her shame/fear mine?” we find that the answer is certainly “no.” We may have done something to trigger the other person’s fear or shame and it is right to apologize when appropriate, but ultimately, we have only been a trigger for emotions that are already inside the other person.

With mindfulness, compassion and not taking things personally, what to do next just comes naturally. When we work through our own insecurities and have compassion for ourselves, softening up to others comes naturally and easily. We find ourselves interacting with our partner in more positive ways and this is what restores connection. When there is connection, there really is no work in a relationship. Communication comes easily then. Just like when love is new and fresh and connected. It is easy like Sunday morning.

Fear is as changeable as the change that I fear

I am feeling insecure at the moment for some reason and I’m trying to look at this feeling objectively. Of course the first impulse is to think that there is somehow something wrong with me. Why am I feeling this way? I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Then there is the urge to get rid of it or cover it up in some way. The way my mind does this is by obsessing. I want to either solve the problem in a hurry or just be distracted from it. This obsession is driven by aversion. Sometimes obsession is driven by greed but today it is aversion. Fear. Fear of losing something pleasurable. Fear of impermanence. Fear of instability. Fear of the unknown. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being likeable. Fear of making mistakes.

But this fear is not me. It is just something happening in the moment. It is not solid. It is instable. As FDR said, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” It is the extra anxiety that comes from fear that can potentially get out of hand. Fear is workable. To the degree we can be comfortable with fear, it does not overtake us. It does not spin out of control.

Being comfortable with fear is not about stopping that fear. It is about examining it head on, without any avoidance. It is felt fully, but it is not to be taken as solid. Fear is as changeable as the change that I fear.

Mindfulness around fear pokes holes in it. When fear is taken personally, it is made to seem solid. If we avoid taking fear personally, it is like mist. We can walk right through it.

Usually upon closer examination, asking the question, “Where is this fear coming from? Is it truly valid?” the answer is that the fear is coming from mistaken ideas and it is truly not valid. Seeing clearly helps to relieve fear.

Problems Are Not a Problem

I got into work today to emails about several things that just are not going the way they are supposed to. I just thought to myself, well I guess I have some work to do today.

I used to think that when things were planned out well, they actually should go according to plan. I had great expectations for outcomes. But of course I have discovered again and again that so many times it doesn't matter how much or well I plan. Things turn out as they will. I can prepare and prepare and still all hell could break lose unexpectedly. It is so much easier to deal with results when there are no specific expectations for how things might turn out. When I have great expectations for how things should be, it is SO painful when they don't turn out how I wanted.

Non-attachment to results, letting go of hope and fear, is such a peaceful way to be. I don't think I could go back to the tight, perfectionistic clinging of my younger days. How painful that was! I suppose the way I got to this place was by simply acknowledging the pain and suffering caused from being attached to particular results. We have to see we are hurting in order to fix it. Once it is seen and understood (this is painful because I am clinging), the next time we have expectations about something and it doesn't turn out how we like, it will still hurt, but we'll have a more big picture view of it. We all must become our own psychologists, analyzing our minds and emotions and becoming interested in what we find there. We must seek to understand what we find. Understanding leads to wisdom which leads to freedom.

My roof is just a little leaky

Even as rain penetrates an ill-thatched house, so does lust penetrate an undeveloped mind.

Even as the rain does not penetrate a well-thatched house, so does lust not penetrate a well-developed mind.

Dhammapada 1:9

Commitment

I’ve been thinking lately about commitment in relationships. A day-to-day commitment makes the most sense to me as a Buddhist. I am glad that I have had some training in the appreciation of impermanence. This training is necessary for a person that like things decided. Fortunately, with this training and from the aversion I have to marriage after having been through two divorces, I am more comfortable with ambiguity than ever before. Nothing is not subject to change. Nothing. I fully recognize and appreciate this. However, to some degree there must be some ground to stand on. It is understood that it may not be ground that stays under our feet, but ground that is there now.

How does a Buddhist divorcee with kids reconcile this paradox of commitment/stability and impermanence/instability? I want to be sensitive to my kids’ need for security and consistency, yet at the same time, they are just as susceptible to impermanence as everyone else. Impermanence is a truth that cannot be hidden or denied. But what can I do to minimize the impacts to their security while at the same time live our lives together fully? Lives that change? People that change?

I have never introduced anyone I’ve dated to my children. It results in a somewhat secretive, double life of sorts. I certainly feel this is necessary. It is important to me that there is a certain level of commitment in an intimate relationship before I would feel comfortable introducing a man to my kids. But I need to better define “certain level of commitment.” The word “commitment” is a very scary word to me, and frankly I am not interested in the “lock down” that the term implies to me. Yet at the same time, it just seems silly to keep my kids completely out of that part of my life indefinitely.

The kind of relationship that I want for myself is one with sexual exclusivity but otherwise total freedom. I want my lover to have the choice to be with me. A choice that he is free to make or not make every day. When he is free to make that choice and he chooses me, that feels much better than someone being with me out of obligation, because he said “I do” in a solemn vow, signed on the dotted line, or is simply dependent upon me in some way.

This is difficult to translate into terms that society understands. Our culture is all about marriage. In spite of the reality of high divorce rates, the underlying collective belief is that one must be married in order to be a true member of society. There are a few rebels out there fortunately. Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed, who have been together for 26 years say they are “Happily Unmarried.” www.imdb.com/title/tt0840859/ Goldie Hawn says about her 27 year relationship with Kurt Russell: “I wake up every day knowing I can walk out at any moment.” http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20401691,00.html More people than ever before are cohabitating and not getting married. I think the tides are turning, though slowly. Commitment and choice need not be at odds. I believe in commitment to one another’s freedom of choice. How beautiful lovers are who choose each other again and again as the years roll by.

It is difficult to have this commitment to freedom of choice when I have kids. The kind of freedom I want in a relationship means that there could come a point of not choosing each other anymore and then my kids are left wondering. I feel compelled to protect them, but how can this be entirely prevented? Since I can’t predict the future, all I can do is examine my intentions in the present moment. And the intentions of the man I might introduce my kids to. My intention is for a long-term relationship. Long-term meaning something that has a good chance of continuing for more than a year. When I have gotten to know someone well enough to have determined that there is long-term potential, I might be ready for my kids to meet him. It only need have potential. And of course these intentions must be mutual. How long it takes to get to know someone to that degree is up for debate, I suppose. I probably would have to allow more time than I’d like. Once I had decided this, it probably would be wise to wait another month or two, just to rule out my tendency to rush into having things decided.

Introducing my kids to a lover would be a pretty big deal and it would indicate a commitment for me. But not a binding sort of commitment. I don’t want to be tied down. I don’t need a vow and I don’t need or want my partner to say “forever.” There only needs to be mutual agreement that what we have is worth putting some amount of effort into keeping it going. That is all.