Loneliness vs Aloneness

It seems to me that the message I hear over and over from the world is, don't be alone! Aloneness=loneliness=bad. The message is that the cure for loneliness=being with people.

I'm here to tell you that this is not true. At times when I am feeling my loneliest, I feel so much better when I can be alone to care for and pay attention to myself. My loneliness is eased by being alone. Aloneness can be helpful or not helpful depending on how it is framed. When I frame my time alone as time well spent re-connecting with myself, I certainly don't feel lonely. If I frame my alone time as time for self-pity (poor me, I am all alone), then I feel lonely.

I have so many options this weekend to spend time with people and be busy. But I am really feeling the need to be alone instead. I may choose to hang out with myself this weekend. When alone time is a choice, it doesn't allow much room for loneliness. And alone time can always be a choice.

When I am feeling the need to connect with people, there are always more opportunities than I could ever take advantage of. I have friends, family, a meditation community. There are events taking place around the city every day. There are lots of people to interact with and lots of busyness to take part in.

But so many times I would rather be alone than have casual and insignificant interactions with people. These just increase my sense of loneliness and disconnection. If I had a significant other, that would be time well spent with someone. But I don't. So my time alone is time well spent with my significant self. Time spent with myself sometimes carries loneliness, but it can be a cool, bittersweet sort of loneliness, not the crushing and hopeless kind. As long as I allow loneliness to be my friend, it will not overwhelm me. I care about this loneliness.

More about "cool loneliness":
Six Kinds of Loneliness, from When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron