Let’s talk a little bit about impermanence

I have written about this topic before, but it is not a topic that gets old for me. My “judging” personality type prefers things be decided and it is a very strong habit pattern. I like to analyze, sort, figure out, determine, move left or right, settle the score, define, categorize. I have a tendency to wait to make decisions or take action until things are stable. And on the other side of the coin, if things are not stable, I have a tendency to make hasty decisions with the intention of making them stable. There certainly is benefit to having neat and orderly habits, but it can be a real burden at times in the form of perfectionism.

Meditation practice has helped me to feel more comfortable with ambiguity, groundlessness and impermanence. Meditating on the fact that nothing is certain actually brings a sense of freedom. I can sort and determine and plan – and it is good to do so, but ultimately, all that really matters is what is happening right in front of me, right now. Reflecting on impermanence helps push me into the present moment. I can’t wait until some future time to live. The time to live is Now. It is always Now. I have hopes and plans for the future, but none of that is certain. All that is actually certain is what is happening Now. Even what happened in the past is not certain. Thoughts about the past are just thoughts happening now in the present. What happened in the past was only certain at the time it actually happened. Now the past is just a memory and the further I get from it, the more unreliable my memory is of it.

I am not tied down by any negative circumstance because it will eventually change. All I need is patience. I am not tied down by any positive circumstance because of the understanding that it will eventually change. I am more easily able to let good things go when they change because it is not a surprise. There is no delusion that somehow I could make things stay the same.

There is a wonderful Zen story about how no circumstance can really be categorized as good/bad, lucky/unlucky. Jon J. Muth tells this story very nicely in the children’s book Zen Shorts:

There was once an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day, his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it two other wild horses. "Such good luck!" the neighbors exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the farmer.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown off, and broke his leg. Again, the neighbors came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Such bad luck," they said. "Maybe," answered the farmer.

The day after that, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army to fight in a war. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. "Such good luck!" cried the neighbors. "Maybe," said the farmer.

All of the events and circumstances of our lives are relative. And often, we may not even realize how “lucky” we are in a particular moment. There are layers upon layers of conditions contributing to the events of our lives. Perhaps it is for the best not to know how it could be better or worse, only how it is now.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

It feels like a long time since I last posted. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like longer because I have gotten out of the habit of just writing freely whenever a thought crosses my mind. It is ironic that my last post was the earthworm quote, since lately I have been doing some writing for a more public audience, with the intention that I might actually earn some money for some of my writing. It would be nice to eventually get out of the corporate world and do something more creative for a living, like writing or life coaching. Perhaps I will, I don't know. It takes time, I think. And I've never been patient enough in the past to really give my true vocational longings a real shot. I have ideas about the way things should be and then I expect that it be that way NOW. But obviously that is not the way things work in the real world. A seed gets planted, then watered and given sunlight and grows... slowly. Sometimes the growing seedling even wilts, then comes back. If one were to watch it constantly, it would seem like it was never getting anywhere.

So often I feel this way about my life and meditation practice. I meditate nearly every day and have for about 7 years, and the benefits are so gradual and subtle, almost barely even noticed. I still have the same anxieties, struggles, insecurities. Old baggage comes up again and again.

But when I stop and really look at my life at this point, I see how far I have come. It seems like a miracle has happened, even though it has taken 7 years of slow and patient work. Morning anxiety is more of a friend than an enemy and doesn't hit me nearly as hard as it did for so many years. I am less afraid of making mistakes and more willing to own up to them than ever before. When I hear thoughts of ill-will toward myself and others in my mind, I can no longer entertain them. I see craving, I see impermanence, I see suffering. I can no longer run away - and what a relief!

At first the not being able to run away was quite painful. What? You mean I need to face this stuff? I thought meditation was supposed to be relaxing!! Early days of meditation practice and retreat practice contained a lot of idealistic self-judgment for me. How can one look at all one's ugliness and not have some sense of self-disgust? But thanks to my skillful teachers, I have found compassion instead of disgust for my monstrous qualities. Self-love instead of self-hatred. I CARE about this pain, I told myself again and again. And you know what? I found that I actually do. And that caring for myself in that way is healing and amazing and beautiful.

I just love this quote I saw on a coffee cup in the office of my marriage counselor several years ago:

"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars." From the poem, "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann.

So perhaps that is an overly used quote, but there is a reason for that. It is true and it is good. Be GENTLE with yourself. Have compassion for yourself. Care for yourself. That is what gets us over the hump and ends the battle within.

So the point I am trying to come to is that this did not happen for me overnight. I can't discredit the immediate benefits of mindfulness meditation - they are incredible (calming, stress-relieving, grounding). But sustained effort in maintaining mindfulness over a long period of time, I am only beginning to recognize the benefits of. And why should I think that a career change would be any different? Starting out slowly, from where I am, not expecting any big, immediate results, being satisfied with small successes here and there. These are the keys to big life changes. Big life changes start out small and evolve slowly and naturally over time with persistence. Persistence and discrediting of the voices that try to talk me out of what I really want for my life.

Be an Earthworm

Sometimes I spin off into my idealistic ambitions. All I need to do is read this, a quote by Ajahn Sumedho in the book After the Ecstasy, The Laundry by Jack Kornfield, to set me straight:

"For minds obsessed by compulsive thinking and grasping, you simplify your meditaiton practices to just two words -- 'let go' -- rather than try to develop this practice, and then develp that, achieve this, and go into that. The grasping mind wants to read the suttas, to study the Abhidamma, and to learn Pali and Sanskrit, then the Madhyamika and the Prajna Paramita, get ordinations in the Hinayana, Mahayana, Vajrayana, write books and become a renowned authority on Buddhism.

"Instead of becoming the world's expert on Buddhism and being invited to great international conferences, why not just 'let go, let go, let go'?... Some of you might have the desire to become the Buddha of the age, Maitreya, radiating love throughout the world. Instead, just be an earthworm who knows only two words -- 'let go, let go, let go.' You see, ours is called the Lesser Vehicle, the Hinayana, so we only have these poverty-stricken practices."

Drama

"You say you don't want it,
The circus we're in,
But you don't,
You don't really mean it."

-Tori Amos, "Spark"

I certainly think that my taste for drama has subsided substantially over several years, but it never seems to want to go away completely. I say I don't want drama in my life, but my brain is always trying to whip something up out of nothing. This isn't necessarily a problem. It is very distracting, but it is a natural occurrence. I have no judgement about it. Habit energies can be very strong, to the point where we don't really have much control over them. But to see them does take the edge off. The mind still spins off, yet I watch and say to myself, "Wow, look at that! Look how crazy the mind is right now!" It can't be anything other than this. All I can do is return to my breath or mantra in an attempt to put a dent in the cycle. And of course, there is always self-restraint. I may not be able to stop the flow of drama in my mind, but I don't have to act out any of it. It is easier not to act on drama in the mind when it is seen clearly as drama. It doesn't necessarily go away very easily, but at least it is seen. There truly is value in that seeing. What is seen can be transformed.

Something from the James Baraz talk I heard some time ago that continues to stick in my mind is that people who are mindful still get stuck in our dramas - but not for as long. We spin off, but we recover much more quickly than we did before we practiced mindfulness. We should give ourselves credit for this and see that we are that much more happy than we were before the practice! We are that much more free. Keep up the good work!!

"The world is so dramatic...
I can't believe
That we're still livin'
Oh in this crazy crazy world
That I'm still livin'
With all the problems of the day
How can we go on
So tired of hearing people say
How can we go on
Fantasy people
Make believe people
How can you go on
But you're still livin'..."

-Erykah Badu "Drama"

Walking Meditation

I put off sitting down and meditating last night until it was very late and I really needed to go to bed. I was restless though, so I went outside and just walked for 15 minutes. It was a good call.

Step,
Breathing,
Step,
Hearing crickets,
Step,
Feeling pavement under my feet,
Step,
Looking at the pavement rocks sparkling in the the moonlight,
Step,
Mosquitos biting, skin itching,
Step,
Thinking,
Step,
Joy,
Step,
Breathing,
Step,
Smiling...

Joyful Backpacking

How was it possible to feel such immense joy while hiking 24 miles of mountainous terrain carrying 40 pounds on the back of my 105 pound body? But that is exactly what happened. Joy happened. Gratitude. Love. Peace. Clarity.

The purpose of this four day backpacking trip on the Superior Hiking Trail was to practice Dhamma. And so, I made every step my practice. Every thought, every word, every activity – under the microscope of Dhamma, of mindfulness, of the way it is.

About halfway into the second day, a hike of about 11 miles, I realized that 15 years ago, even though I had a younger and stronger body then, I would have bitched and complained the whole way. I would have taken seriously the complaints that came to mind. It would have stressed me out and I probably would have become sick and miserable. But when complaints (too hot, too tired, too sore, “I can’t do this”) came into my mind under the mindfulness microscope, I looked at them; I smiled, breathed and continued on.

This is the practice of endurance. When doing long periods of sitting meditation, a challenging mental activity just like any challenging physical activity, many of us reach a point where we feel like we can’t take it anymore. The pain, boredom, or emotions become very intense and we want to get up and run away. But when we stick it out and stay with it, we get to the top of the mountain. We break free from the things that hold us back and we can stand at the top with a fantastic view. When we experience this breakthrough, there really is no going back. We now know what is actually possible and can never take those complaints as seriously ever again. The next time the pain starts up, we can clearly see how it isn’t as solid as we thought before.

Our thoughts do form our reality, but only so much as the power we give them. When we identify thoughts that are limiting, we don’t have to believe them. We should always question limiting thoughts and consider the alternative possibilities. I can see now how different my life would be now if I had discovered this earlier in my life. Still, I am benefiting now from practicing in this way now. And it can only set positive things in motion for my future.

When things get tough, we just have to keep our heads down and put one foot in front of the other. As I climbed steep hills with a load on my back, I found the best way to stay calm was not to look too far ahead. I was mindful of each place where my foot landed and the pace in which I moved. I listened to my body and if it needed a break, I slowed or stopped. When feeling energized, I moved more quickly. When hungry, I ate. When thirsty, I drank. Such simple things make such a big difference. Sometimes we get so busy and distracted in life that we don’t pay enough attention to the simple needs of our bodies. That is so important.

Listening to a talk by James Baraz in the car on the way up north really helped set the tone of this trip for me. The talk is located here: Awakening Joy - Talk by James Baraz at Common Ground Meditation Center 3-3-10. For some of us perfectionists, it can be really easy to get into a very austere mode of practice, thinking practice has to be a certain way or thinking that we have to act in a certain way in order to become “enlightened.” For me, my thinking went that I must deny myself of pleasures in order to become pure and this is simply just not true. It is good to remember that we really can just live our lives and experience joy and pleasure when it comes to us. We had pleasures before we practiced and we have pleasures now when we practice. Just the experience of it changes. Before practice, we cling to pleasure, thinking we could make it stay somehow. After practice, we may still cling, but we just can’t cling for as long as we used to – because we understand that clinging is the cause of suffering. We may not give up that clinging right away, but certainly when we are mindful, we are able to let it go more quickly than when we are not mindful. As a result, we actually do suffer less. And more and more over time, it isn’t even that we are able to let go, we just do, naturally. We don’t have to make it happen. It just happens.

The practice James teaches is very simple; when hearing a complaint in the mind or finding that one has already popped out of your mouth, simply add the statement: “But my life is really very blessed.” It is just one simple statement that stops the cycle of negativity in its tracks. Even if we don’t fully believe that simple statement to begin with, the more we say it, the more it pokes holes into our very serious story lines.

My body is tired and achey today, but my life is really very blessed!

Maps of my journey:
Cascade River State Park to Caribou Trail
Caribou Trail to Lutsen
Lutsen to Oberg Mountain

Obsession

The more you want something, the more you push it away from yourself. So you may as well just be content with the fact that you will never get what you really want. At least not the things you want in a greedy, obsessive and clingy way. You’ll never be successful in getting the things you would sell your soul for. And even if you do get them, you will never really have them because of the fear of loss that comes from such tight clinging.

We suffer from desire when we become hyper-focused on getting what we want. When we suffer from tunnel vision. When all we can see is the object of our desire. When all we do is spin stories about it in the mind and believe those stories to be total reality. These are the stories that my meditation teacher refers to as “self-centered dramas”. The self-centered dramas our minds create feel real, they feel like Me, we take them personally, they make us feel like we exist in a solid way.

But there is hope. There may not be any getting rid of desire, but desire can happen without clinging. When desire occurs in a spacious field that doesn’t require a particular outcome, there is no suffering from desire. When there are no stories about desire, there is no suffering. When there are stories but we don’t believe in them, there is no suffering. When there are stories and we believe them, but we see how believing in them is an error, we only suffer a little.