We Are All Solitary

When I was a child, my inner world was magical. I had a blissful, private world full of delights. I was full of feeling and imagination. My parents loved me and cared for me well. There was nothing missing. I was whole and happy.

When I became a teenager, as I separated more from my parents, I discovered loneliness. It was sort of bittersweet, but it also seemed like a problem to be solved. The world told me that if I were to find a boy to love me, that problem would be solved.

So here I am, at a ripe age of 37, finally completely understanding through experience, that not only is a boy not the solution to the problem of loneliness, but that loneliness is not even really a problem. That loneliness comes and goes on its own and the more connected I am to myself as a solitary being, the less lonely I feel. It took awhile to get here because for most of my life, there have been so many boys available to me and eager to try to help me solve the loneliness problem. In my late 30’s, with a full time job and kids to take care of, opportunities with boys just aren’t as plentiful as they used to be.

At first that fact was frustrating to me. Apparently 1 in 5 couples these days have met online, so I tried online dating for awhile. I’ve met several very good men that way. But for whatever reasons, nothing has worked out. Maybe it is because people my age just aren’t as open and carefree as we used to be. We have some baggage and may be overly cautious. Or maybe we are too picky. We have a better idea of what we want in a mate and since there are so many people online, we may be too quick to pass someone over and move on to the next person. Or when we do find someone we like, maybe we move way too fast and it becomes uncomfortable for one or both people. Just add water and there is your instant relationship!

So now it is time to take a break from all that. It was fun for awhile, but now it is time to re-group with myself. Time to spend some quality time with my best friend - the magical, blissful, delightful, full of feeling, imaginative, loved, whole and happy solitary being that is me.

When I write that down, it looks like incredibly cheesy self-help pop-psychology or a Stuart Smalley-ism, but really it is true. The reason that I haven’t been feeling lonely lately is that I have been feeling in touch with my inner girl. I’ve been feeling connected with the part of me that existed prior to knowing loneliness, prior to knowing the mating urge, emptiness or incompleteness, danger or sorrow.

We are all solitary. There is no getting around our physical separateness from one another. Or our mental and emotional separateness. No one will ever know us as well as we know ourselves. No matter how many friends and loved ones we have, no matter how well connected we are socially, each of us is still on our own. When that fact is not scary to us, we have incredible power in our lives.

Protecting Your Inner Solitude

One thing that keeps ringing in my mind since my time at Aranya Bodhi was a teaching given about protecting your inner solitude. It involves staying present with yourself and even withdrawing from certain social interactions that are not conducive to spiritual goals. The teaching was focused toward monastics protecting their solitude and protecting their ability to keep their many precepts. But this teaching also applies to lay practitioners as well.

It is hard enough for a lay person to keep five precepts. The world and society we live in is geared toward getting more, staying distracted, and trying to achieve our fantasies. It is geared toward constant stimulation and social interactions full of fluff (small talk, gossip, etc).

One thing that has been very difficult for me to work with is the bombardment of entertainment that is hyper-focused on romance. 99 out of 100 songs on the radio have something to do with romantic love in some form or another. It seems like there is not a single blockbuster movie that doesn't include some sort of romantic storyline. And it is so far from reality! But we see it so often in Hollywood that we become convinced that this stuff is real. This just makes us feel like we are missing something in our lives if we don't have a romantic partner. Like there is something wrong with us if we don't experience that fantastic romantic story in which we are the star. I do love this song by Metric called Sick Muse. She sings, "Watch out Cupid, stuck me with sickness, pull your little arrows out and let me live my life." and "Everybody, everybody just wanna fall in love. Everybody, everybody just wanna play the lead." Yep.

This is why I don't watch a lot of movies and don't listen to the radio much. Most of the music I do listen to is instrumental. But my kids like to watch movies and even all those so-called family movies tend to have "happily-ever-after" type romantic themes! It is just impossible to avoid. And it is very tough to try to teach my kids that this is not reality. I can't just take away movies from them altogether. But we do have conversations about them in an effort to help them think critically about the things they learn from entertainment.

It is easy to start thinking that romantic love is our highest goal, our highest purpose in life. But romantic love of any kind is ALWAYS temporary. Even those that make it a lifetime, lose each other eventually in death. Intellectually, it doesn't make much sense to devote our entire lives to something that is fleeting. I think the reason that so many of us do is that we feel that a higher and eternal love and happiness is unattainable, or that it is only available to us in heaven when we die. We have a sense that since this highest love is not attainable, we may as well just give in to that fleeting, earthly, romantic love. And then we try to hang on to it and we suffer. Suffer dearly.

Don't get me wrong. I am actually not against romantic love. I still long for a beautiful companion to enjoy pleasures and pain with. But the lesson I am learning is that this is only an after-thought in comparison to my highest goal, my highest purpose for my life. My highest goal is solitary happiness. This solitary happiness is my rock. Resting in the reality of the way things are in perfect equanimity is my goal. I find this equanimity through solitude and meditation.

When I am alone, it is easy. I can dwell in mindfulness. When I am with others, I find that I need to do a better job of protecting that mindfulness and inner solitude. It is easy to get pulled off course. To get pulled away from my purpose. To get distracted. To get pulled into stories that spin off into proliferation in my mind.

Just having a mind of spaciousness when I am with others helps me to stay true to this inner solitude. It is possible to be with others and to have a mind of solitude. It is like abiding at the bottom of the ocean where it is calm, while the waves swell up above at the surface. Here is where I should abide when I get distracted by the search for romantic love.

Recommended Reading:
Nothing Higher to Live For: A Buddhist View of Romantic Love by Bhikkhu Nyanasobhano