My dad passed on 13 days ago. Time to share some thoughts now. I spent the last few days just sitting. And it was good.
Yesterday:
So today, yet another day of sitting here looking out the window all day. This is what I wanted to do, but it is getting old. I'm looking forward to getting the kids back. I can't be so lazy when they are around.
I do think sitting here with boredom and restlessness is helpful, even though the benefits are not always immediately apparent. I tried to put on a movie, but that was no good. It took way too long to decide what to watch and then I just couldn't focus. I suspect the same would be true if I tried to read. I really should go for a walk since it is melting outside at 34 degrees, but I just can't get motivated. Even 34 degrees is not good enough for me today. I need 80 degrees and a beach. Can I just sleep until the snow melts?
I'm grateful for this day of solitude, good food, music, a warm bath, sunlight streaming into my window, snuggly kitties three in number, and a pen and paper.
It's ok to be this way. This is how it is now. This is how my body is now. This is how my mind is now. This is how my heart is now. All due to causes and conditions that are guaranteed to pass. This torpor will pass. All is in flux in every moment. The earth is moving around the sun, making the sunlight on my paper move and change.
The seconds tick on the clock, and something is changing. Furnace comes on. Song ends. Kitties sleep. Light moves. I am right here in the middle of all the motion. Thoughts churn. Hand moves to write. Body feeling warm in the sun. Feet moving to music. Breathing. Putting the book down to remove my sweater. Body feeling fatigued. Relaxing with that sensation. Not trying to fight it or change it. Just being right in it, entirely submissive to the moment. Thoughts pop up, worries about what I might not be getting accomplished while sitting here. Feeling like I will never want to go out into the world again. I have the urge to be a hermit here in my house, listening only to my own soul.
Being alone, spending endless hours just sitting in contemplation. This feels natural to me. This is what I long for all the time. When I do have this time though, I get worried that I am simply being lazy.
But there are so many thoughts and feelings in me that want to be sorted out. i feel like if I could just sit here a little while longer, I will figure something out. Figure out the mystery of my being. See who or what I really am.
Light and joy, even when the body is sluggish and the mind restless. It seems like it shouldn't be possible, but it is.
How different is it to sit here like this all day at home than on the porch or beach at the family cabin? I need to think of this time as a vacation, not lazy-I-should-be-getting-something-done time.
I have a cozy chair, big windows, light streaming through the forest, a cup of tea and my journal. Yes, just like the cabin. Just like it. This is my winter retreat.
For my brother Craig following his suicide
3 years ago
Posts
Ooh! That's tuff. My Dad passed on two years ago. Everyone (including me)called him Big Daddy. I still don't know how to react.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean man.
SEMINARY HILL
There was a hill top
where I used to see,
all of my life's possibilities in front of me.
Four decades later,
I returned to see
that none of it, would ever be.
The Delaware River meanders gracefully down to the sea by journeying through the magnificently forested hills of The Catskills Mountains first. A lonesome train track follows it's meanderings, also heading south to the sea. I was 14 years old when I first climbed Seminary Hill and saw this splendid sight.
There was a 30-foot statue of Jesus Christ on a cross high up on Seminary Hill. The image was ghostly against blackening skies, even more so during lightning storms. The Castle-like Seminary was spread out over the level acreage at the bottom of The Hill. Below the Seminary, lies the Town Of Callicoon and The Delaware River.
I went way out of my way on a sunny day, about 6 or 7 years ago, to return to Seminary Hill, but I never anticipated the subsequent flood of emotions that resulted from looking down that river valley... and all of those years... again.
Quite accidentally, not long after my return to Seminary Hill, a former seminarian from my class was put in touch with me, and even though we were once very close friends, I couldn't place him when we met again. He had none of the looks, characteristics, or mannerisms of the person that I once knew. He was kind enough to bring me up to date regarding fellow mates and such, but as he talked, I looked into his unfamiliar eyes and felt like I was back up on Seminary Hill, again... searching for the guy that I once knew.