I Will Try to Fix You

Wanting to fix people comes from a wholesome wish for them to be happy. But that wholesome wish for their happiness can become distorted if we let it. There is a big difference between wishing happiness for someone and feeling responsible for their happiness. We can’t ever let ourselves feel responsible for others' happiness. We are not responsible for curing people's pain.  It is not our place to do that. It is only our place to be loving and compassionate. The person with the pain or the problem is the one that needs to do something about those things if they are going to. And if they don't, it is not really our concern. Except that we may get irritated from people complaining about their problems without taking any action to solve them. They don't have to take action to help themselves, but they can’t carry on and on about it either. They still don't have the right to dump their complaints on us constantly, and if we get sick of it, we should let them know.

The next time someone complains, perhaps just say, “Well, what do you plan to do about it?” That is a MUCH better response than a fixing response. It keeps ownership of the problem where it belongs. If they specifically asks what we think they should do, of course, be happy to tell them, without any expectation that they will actually do it.

I will probably have to do this periodically, since it just seems like I am prone to being a “fixer,” but I hereby let go of responsibility for any and all of other people's problems. And I will continue to be an empathetic listener as long as it seems appropriate, before telling them to put up or shut up.

Acceptance

Whenever I start feeling worried, restless, defensive or full of doubt, it all boils down to a lack of acceptance of myself and my situation.  I know this, but I forget it so easily.  I start getting caught up in those feelings and old ways of attempting to resolve them - like over-analyzing, planning, obsessing, arguing, blaming, or complaining.  But sometimes I just need to face the fact that I am not as perfect as I’d like to be.  And that not being perfect is absolutely OK. 

When I acknowledge and accept my imperfections, all of the doubt and defensiveness melts away.  What’s left after that is a sigh of relief and a smile.

Letting go is so much easier than trying to be right all the time.

Yeah, I know.  This post is in contrast to what I wrote about earlier, that having a sense of being right has significant value in my life.  It is all about balance.  The problem with being right a lot of the time is that it makes it more difficult to accept being wrong.  But the fact of the matter is, I'm not right all of the time so I need to be realistic.

It is difficult for a perfectionist to let her guard down, but this is what must be done.  I can just relax already.

The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth

I always used to get a hard time from my classmates in school all while growing up because I was “bossy.”  I have this thing about feeling like I am right most of the time.  And when I feel like I am right about something, I don’t let up, even when people tell me not to be concerned about something.  Kids thought I was stuck-up and rejected me.

Now that I have grown, not letting up when I think I am right about something pays off often.  This quality is a big part of why I am so successful at my job!  I catch things that others don’t and I follow through to make sure things get fixed, even when people tell me certain things are already taken care of.  I can see for myself when something has not been taken care of or not being done the right way, and I will push to get it corrected.  The team I support and the company I work for benefit, and I receive recognition and financial benefits for my efforts.  In addition, my confidence and thoroughness instills trust in people and makes it easy to gain their confidence.  There are still a few people I work with who get annoyed with me, because I am always challenging them, but at the end of the day, the job is getting done right.  And I do my best to be kind and cordial when challenging others.  I don’t intend anything to be personal.

I wish I would have known when I was a kid that these are good qualities.  That being assertive and going against the grain can be very useful life skills in adulthood.  I endured a lot of social pain while growing up because of it, but now I see that it was all worth it.

I’ve been reading a book called “The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth” by Alexandra Robbins that talks about this very phenomenon.  In school, conformity is king.  Cliques are formed and once part of a particular clique, god forbid you do anything other than what the rest of the group does. But while conformity has its place in society, non-conformity is what is going to make our society evolve.  Albert Einstein failed out of school because his ideas were so unusual, and then he came up with the theory of relativity which changed science forever.

From 7^th grade to high school graduation, I intensely felt the pain of non-conformity.  I was called a nerd, a goodie-goodie and stuck-up.  I got good grades, had a moral compass, and had a confident and assertive personality.  I may have been bossy, but I was not skilled in meanness.  I was never the kind of person who could think of great comebacks when people cut me down.

The Robbins book talks about how in order for people to be popular, they have to be skilled in meanness.  I can say from experience that is true.  The “popular” people in school always had to protect their status by putting others down.  The term “popular” for those kids really is an oxymoron.  I wouldn’t say they were really well-liked.  They just had the power of meanness going for them.  They did their best to push everyone below them by tearing them apart emotionally and sometimes physically in order to appear better than them.

But ultimately, the front of “popular” or “loser/nerd” are a sham.  No matter how much the mean kids tried to bring me down, I still stood tall.  I still stayed true to myself.  I questioned my worth, for sure, but ultimately, I was not defined by others.  When school was over, it was clear to see that all the bad things they tried to make me believe about myself only had a small grain of truth.  And ultimately, I discovered that the things they said they hated me for, were positive traits that have helped me to have happiness and success in my life.

Their influence was very strong though.  So many times I doubted my self-worth and it was truly a struggle to stay on top of it, especially in junior high.  In high school I was able to use what I learned in junior high, at least after an initial period of trying really hard to conform.  Freshman year I had big hair, touched up my make-up throughout the day, and became a cheerleader.  But as time went on, it was clear that I was not the same as the other cheerleaders.  I wasn’t interested in tanning or manicures or gossip.  I tended to stay somewhat quiet and on the fringe.  I was rarely invited to parties or social events outside of school or cheerleading.

Then I joined a music group, a glee club of sorts, and I also signed up for the school musical.  I felt like I had found my place.  I stopped cheerleading and being so concerned about my appearance and focused on music and theater.  I made some good friends that way, though very few of them were in my graduating class, so I still felt pretty lonely in high school in general.  Especially since defecting from the cheerleader/party scene made me a target of torment for those continuing in that scene. 

I always resented the saying that the years of high school are the “best years of your life.”  They weren’t.  But I made the best of those years for sure.  I continued to get good grades and participate in activities that I enjoyed and just keep to myself during all the rest of it.  I am grateful for the challenge presented to me to stay true to myself despite the pressure to conform.  It made me stronger, wiser and more powerful.  I have no regrets, only joyful gratitude and a bit of laughter at the silliness of all of it.

Joy Overflows

It has been awhile since I've written. When things are going well in my life, I guess I have less to write about!

My practice continues to be very informal but very beneficial. I don't sit on a cushion every day for a given number of minutes. But I do enjoy solitude on the week-nights after my kids go to bed. I've been doing a regular workout routine to take better care of my body, then I catch up on episodes of The Office, chat on the phone for a few minutes with my man while he's on his break at work, then have a few minutes of quiet in the dark in my comfy chair before going to bed. Somehow I have managed a nice balance of activity, distraction and reflection in the evenings. On the weekends when my kids are away, I enjoy pleasurable time spent with my sweetheart.

I got a very nice bonus and raise this year at work, and I continue to really enjoy my career. And be incredibly grateful for this prosperity. And not take it for granted for a second.

I dedicate my happiness to my two daughters.

They are the reason I have my life together so well, the reason why I do the job I do and make the money I make. They are the reason why I have worked very hard for my health and happiness. My happiness directly affects their happiness. I see it so clearly. I notice how joyful they are each day. Even though they have minor issues to be crabby about here and there, their baseline is true happiness. It is because I am happy, stable, and disciplined and provide them a happy, stable and disciplined environment. I take care of myself so I can always be there for them when they need me. I have enough energy to take care of them. I have enough joy to share with them. With them, I have the direct experience of the impacts of the overflow of my joy! I can see how it really works and really matters!

I will never underestimate the power of my own happiness and joy for the benefit of others.

Can a Tiger Change Its Stripes?

Lately some TV shows have me thinking about character and integrity. Yes, I have been enjoying some entertainment lately… But I always am very reflective about it. There are dhamma lessons to be learned sometimes in certain stories that are meant to entertain us.

In the show “Lost,” the Nigerian drug smuggler, Eko, has ruthlessly killed many people. However, in a Robin Hood style, he offers the Church money for vaccines if his priest brother will agree to help him dress as a priest in order to smuggle heroin out of Nigeria. His brother reluctantly agrees. But when the drugs are being loaded onto the plane, the military comes. His brother is shot and killed, and Eko doesn’t make it onto the plane in time. When the military find him there, dressed as a priest, they address him saying, “Father, are you alright?” He then takes his brother’s place, living and practicing as a priest from that day on.

In the TV/comic book series, "The Walking Dead," a virus has caused the dead to walk and bite the living in order to pass on the virus to create a world of zombies. The few living left are struggling to survive and avoid becoming one of the walking dead. I had a dream last night that the living character Rick was bitten by and became a zombie. But he was a unique zombie. He still had a moral compass. He could feel the urge to bite, but he was able to restrain himself. He was able to stay peacefully among the living. Of course, the living were cautious around him. What if he were to run out of restraint?

The character of Rick is a strong leader with a good heart and ethics. And because he is such a good person through and through, the zombie bite did not bring him completely down. He looked like a zombie and had urges like a zombie, but he was true to his inner goodness in spite of it. People were suspicious that he was not good, but he actually was. “I’m a zombie, but I’m not going to bite you,” is what he said.

Good souls are not affected by evil, because nothing can break that goodness that is deep down inside. Just ask Angulimala. Angulimala, Pali for “finger garland,” was a cold hearted killer who took a finger from each of his 999 victims and strung them into a necklace which he wore. His goal was 1000 fingers. As he waited in the forest for his one thousandth victim, his mother came through the forest. He would have killed his mother, but the Buddha knew Angulimala’s heart and he intervened. Angulimala was ready to kill the Buddha instead.

“Then the Blessed One performed such a feat of supernormal power that the bandit Angulimala, going as fast as he could, was unable to catch up with the Blessed One, who was walking at his normal pace. Then he thought: ‘It is marvelous! Formerly I caught up with even a galloping elephant and seized it; I caught up with even a galloping horse and seized it; I caught up with even a galloping chariot and seized it; I caught up with even a galloping deer and seized it. But yet, though I am going as fast as I can, I am unable to catch up with this monk who is walking at his normal pace.’ He stopped and called ‘Stop, monk! Stop, monk!’
‘I have stopped, Angulimala. Do you stop, too.’”

“Then he addressed the Blessed One in stanzas thus:

‘While you are walking monk, you tell me you have stopped;
But now, when I have stopped, you say I have not stopped.
I ask you now, O monk what is the meaning of it;
How is it you have stopped and I have not?’

(The Blessed One:)

‘Angulimala, I have stopped for ever,
Foreswearing violence to every living being;
But you have no restraint towards things that breathe;
So that is why I have stopped and you have not.’”

“Angulimala: A Murderer's Road to Sainthood” by Hellmuth Hecker
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/hecker/wheel312.html

This was Finger Garland’s wake up call. Upon hearing these words, he was able to see the pure heart inside of himself that had been covered up by hardness and evil. He was so moved that he asked to become ordained as a monk and a follower of the Buddha. The Buddha, being an excellent judge of character, agreed.

Some say “A tiger cannot change its stripes,” but I beg to differ. There is a seed of goodness even in the most heartless murderer. Redemption is available to anyone and everyone. All one has to do is see their own goodness inside, make the choice to stop doing evil things and water the seed of goodness inside.

The path of the Buddha is simple:
Do good
Refrain from wrong
Purify the mind

You and Me Against the World

It just occurred to me today that in an individualistic society such as the one in which we live, it is no wonder why anxiety and depression are so rampant. The majority of us are not meant to be so “independent.” Based on all I have read about attachment theory, it is clear to me that humans of all ages thrive better when they have a primary object of attachment. They are more happy, content, and less anxious.

From my own experience, I certainly had a more difficult time getting my attachment needs met when not in a committed relationship. I managed just fine on my own. I am as independent as they come in this society. And I have a good support network of family and friends that I can count on in times of trouble. But still it felt like something was missing. There was no one looking out for me on a daily basis for all the little things. Someone personally interested in and invested in my welfare. Someone to be a sounding board for my ideas and mundane concerns. Someone to feel really connected with and safe with.

I suspect it is possible to have a feeling of connection and safety like that if you are devoted to spiritual practice. I know that I have felt this way during times of intense meditation practice and times when I have been immersed in nature and away from the hustle and bustle of daily life. But I can’t be on meditation retreat all the time. I can’t leave my children to join the monastic community or become a hermit in the forest. I must be part of the world. And it is rough out there. Two heads are better than one in dealing with the demands of daily life in the world. A loving and committed relationship is like a safe haven.

For three years after the break-up of my marriage, I tried to find safe haven in myself. I took to heart all the advice that stresses the importance of “being happy on your own,” and that you don’t need a relationship to be happy. But I can honestly say now that it is not for me. I reached a certain level of independence and happiness as a single person, but there was always a nagging feeling underneath that I could not fight. The feeling that something was missing. The feeling that I belonged in a relationship. This is my nature. This is my karma.

Our True Teacher - Reality

“Laypeople live in the realm of sensuality. They have families, money, and possessions, and are deeply involved in all sorts of activities. Yet sometimes they will gain insight and see Dhamma before monks and nuns do. Why is this? It’s just because of their suffering from all these things. They see the fault and can let go. They can put it down after seeing clearly in their experience. Seeing the harm and letting go, they are then able to make good use of their positions in the world and benefit others…

The laypeople live in a certain kind of thoroughness and clarity. Whatever they do, they really do it. Even getting drunk, they do it thoroughly and have the experience of what it’s like. So, because of their experience, they may become tired of things and realize the Dhamma quicker than monks can.” Everything Arises, Everything Falls Away, Ajahn Chah, p 145-146

Wow. What an inspiring teaching from a great Master.

Throughout my years of following the teachings and practicing meditation, I have often had a strong desire to leave the world behind and become a Buddhist nun. I understand why this desire comes up. It is because I do see the suffering that worldly life can bring. I can see the suffering in me that results from complicated worldly and self-centered dramas. Drama from my daily activities trying to make a living and raise children. Drama from living in a society where everyone is trying to sell something, whether it be an object or an opinion. Everyone has their own idea of how things should be and that is what causes such conflict and drama in the world. The difference between how we want things to be and how they actually are, causes so much suffering.

This suffering is what causes us all to run to the churches, synagogues, temples, bars... One of my favorite scenes from The Simpsons is when the end of the world is coming to Springfield and all the people at the church run to the bar and all the people at the bar run to the church. We have this error in thinking that relief is somewhere out there. But wherever we are, that is where our practice is. We don’t need to go anywhere. When will we learn this? If we stop trying to escape this suffering, this suffering is what can actually wake us up.

We can take great pilgrimages to India or Thailand, we can go on three month retreats at Insight Meditation Society in Massachusetts, we can climb Mount Everest or hitchhike across Tibet, we can seek out great teachers and meditation masters in caves, but our lessons are not to be found out there. Peace is not to be found out there. It’s not actually even found in meditation or prayer. These are good tools for preparing the mind for peace, but it is not where it is actually found. Peaceful feelings in meditation are only temporary.

True peace is found in seeing and understanding the truth of the way things are, and having no battle with it. This is Dhamma, the truth of the way things are. And only we can see it for ourselves.

“Others’ words can’t measure your practice. And you don’t realize the Dhamma because of what others say. I mean the real Dhamma. The teachings others can give you are to show you the path, but that isn’t real knowledge. When people genuinely meet the Dhamma, they realize it directly within themselves. So the Buddha said that is is merely the one who shows the way. In teaching us, he is not accomplishing the way for us. We have to the that ourselves. Don’t wait for the salesman to do it. Once he’s made the sale, he takes the money and splits. That’s his part.” Everything Arises, Everything Falls Away, p 146

“Just this Dharma is the true teacher.” Everything Arises, Everything Falls Away, p 141