Joyful Backpacking

How was it possible to feel such immense joy while hiking 24 miles of mountainous terrain carrying 40 pounds on the back of my 105 pound body? But that is exactly what happened. Joy happened. Gratitude. Love. Peace. Clarity.

The purpose of this four day backpacking trip on the Superior Hiking Trail was to practice Dhamma. And so, I made every step my practice. Every thought, every word, every activity – under the microscope of Dhamma, of mindfulness, of the way it is.

About halfway into the second day, a hike of about 11 miles, I realized that 15 years ago, even though I had a younger and stronger body then, I would have bitched and complained the whole way. I would have taken seriously the complaints that came to mind. It would have stressed me out and I probably would have become sick and miserable. But when complaints (too hot, too tired, too sore, “I can’t do this”) came into my mind under the mindfulness microscope, I looked at them; I smiled, breathed and continued on.

This is the practice of endurance. When doing long periods of sitting meditation, a challenging mental activity just like any challenging physical activity, many of us reach a point where we feel like we can’t take it anymore. The pain, boredom, or emotions become very intense and we want to get up and run away. But when we stick it out and stay with it, we get to the top of the mountain. We break free from the things that hold us back and we can stand at the top with a fantastic view. When we experience this breakthrough, there really is no going back. We now know what is actually possible and can never take those complaints as seriously ever again. The next time the pain starts up, we can clearly see how it isn’t as solid as we thought before.

Our thoughts do form our reality, but only so much as the power we give them. When we identify thoughts that are limiting, we don’t have to believe them. We should always question limiting thoughts and consider the alternative possibilities. I can see now how different my life would be now if I had discovered this earlier in my life. Still, I am benefiting now from practicing in this way now. And it can only set positive things in motion for my future.

When things get tough, we just have to keep our heads down and put one foot in front of the other. As I climbed steep hills with a load on my back, I found the best way to stay calm was not to look too far ahead. I was mindful of each place where my foot landed and the pace in which I moved. I listened to my body and if it needed a break, I slowed or stopped. When feeling energized, I moved more quickly. When hungry, I ate. When thirsty, I drank. Such simple things make such a big difference. Sometimes we get so busy and distracted in life that we don’t pay enough attention to the simple needs of our bodies. That is so important.

Listening to a talk by James Baraz in the car on the way up north really helped set the tone of this trip for me. The talk is located here: Awakening Joy - Talk by James Baraz at Common Ground Meditation Center 3-3-10. For some of us perfectionists, it can be really easy to get into a very austere mode of practice, thinking practice has to be a certain way or thinking that we have to act in a certain way in order to become “enlightened.” For me, my thinking went that I must deny myself of pleasures in order to become pure and this is simply just not true. It is good to remember that we really can just live our lives and experience joy and pleasure when it comes to us. We had pleasures before we practiced and we have pleasures now when we practice. Just the experience of it changes. Before practice, we cling to pleasure, thinking we could make it stay somehow. After practice, we may still cling, but we just can’t cling for as long as we used to – because we understand that clinging is the cause of suffering. We may not give up that clinging right away, but certainly when we are mindful, we are able to let it go more quickly than when we are not mindful. As a result, we actually do suffer less. And more and more over time, it isn’t even that we are able to let go, we just do, naturally. We don’t have to make it happen. It just happens.

The practice James teaches is very simple; when hearing a complaint in the mind or finding that one has already popped out of your mouth, simply add the statement: “But my life is really very blessed.” It is just one simple statement that stops the cycle of negativity in its tracks. Even if we don’t fully believe that simple statement to begin with, the more we say it, the more it pokes holes into our very serious story lines.

My body is tired and achey today, but my life is really very blessed!

Maps of my journey:
Cascade River State Park to Caribou Trail
Caribou Trail to Lutsen
Lutsen to Oberg Mountain

Obsession

The more you want something, the more you push it away from yourself. So you may as well just be content with the fact that you will never get what you really want. At least not the things you want in a greedy, obsessive and clingy way. You’ll never be successful in getting the things you would sell your soul for. And even if you do get them, you will never really have them because of the fear of loss that comes from such tight clinging.

We suffer from desire when we become hyper-focused on getting what we want. When we suffer from tunnel vision. When all we can see is the object of our desire. When all we do is spin stories about it in the mind and believe those stories to be total reality. These are the stories that my meditation teacher refers to as “self-centered dramas”. The self-centered dramas our minds create feel real, they feel like Me, we take them personally, they make us feel like we exist in a solid way.

But there is hope. There may not be any getting rid of desire, but desire can happen without clinging. When desire occurs in a spacious field that doesn’t require a particular outcome, there is no suffering from desire. When there are no stories about desire, there is no suffering. When there are stories but we don’t believe in them, there is no suffering. When there are stories and we believe them, but we see how believing in them is an error, we only suffer a little.

Habit

Many years ago, my habit was to complain, to distance, to get back at, to be justified, to be defensive, to be superior – all things which are obstacles to lovingkindness, skillful actions and happiness.

As I sent an email to someone this morning in regards to a situation of conflict, it came together really well, naturally, and I realized something. Many years ago I would have responded so much differently or not responded at all, or it would have been an unnatural and difficult task to respond skillfully. I do believe that in my years of practicing mindfulness, I have come to a point where acting in loving ways comes much more naturally than ever before. It isn’t always my first inclination, but there is more often a point of reflection about my true feelings about a matter prior to taking action. There is a coming to understanding of my true feelings and evaluating what behavior would be skillful or not based on the situation.

What is the understanding that is reached? Essentially it is about what is truly personal. And when we reflect on this, in time, we see that nothing is personal. Nothing.

Mindfulness is just not as much work as it used to be. It feels more natural now, at least at this moment in time. It has become a habit, this reflection prior to response. See, there is hope for us all! The work we do, this training we undertake, has benefits in the beginning, the middle and the end! Meditation has positive impacts from the very moment we take on the practice, but there are some very valuable fruits of the practice that come after working at it for some time.

Special

“I'm sixteen years old and everyday something happens to me...
Oh... Oh... Oooooh! I hug myself till my arms turn blue, and
then I close my eyes and I cry and cry till the tears come down
and I can taste them. I love to taste my tears.
I am special.
I am special.
Please, God, please, don't let me be normal!”

-Luisa in The Fantasticks

I have some thoughts related to an article link I posted in May on Mindful Loving. It is true that assigning someone “specialness” tends to bring along certain expectations and disappointments. “Specialness makes loving more difficult, Grayson claims--counterintuitive though that may sound--since casting people in the role of lover, mentor, spouse, or best friend raises expectations, which leads to fantasy, heartbreak, and pain. We suffer at the hands of those we love the most--that's the conundrum. ‘So much expectation,’ says Grayson, ‘blinds us to love.’”

So, if we see how everyone is equal in their goodness and lovability and not ever single out any particular person as being special, would we ever find ourselves in a romantic relationship? How would it be possible to fall in love then? It seems to me that in order to start a romantic relationship, two people must find each other to be more special than other people in their lives. But someone who is very mindful of desire, understands it fully and recognizes that it does not need to be acted upon, could essentially avoid falling in love.

Well maybe that is not strictly true… they could avoid acting on it at least. It seems like people can’t help falling in love when the causes and conditions are just right. I think we are hard-wired to fall in love and propagate the species.

This is an interesting question in the context of monastic life. Those living a monastic lifestyle may not be free from desire, but they practice restraint. They understand desire. They have the ability to have equanimity with that desire. And people who are already in a committed relationship may feel desire toward others, but most find they are able to get past that without acting on it. Also, there is social support in place for monastics to stay on the path of celibacy and those in committed relationships to stay on the path of monogamy.

Outside of a monastic support structure or a committed relationship, the rest of us are actually free to explore romantic desire and act on it if we want to. Since I am not in a relationship or a monastery at this moment in time, I have the opportunity to experiment with how it feels to avoid assigning “special” to any one person in particular, even when I could if I really wanted to.

I have many friends and they are all special to me in different ways. This is about learning not to cling to pleasant connections and interactions with people. These connections don’t need to be anything more than they are. They don’t need to lead to anything beyond that particular moment. And desire does indeed pass. I am happy now and will continue to be happy without obtaining what I desire.

How many times have I had a desire pop into my mind like, “Ooo I really want a cappucino right now!!” but then I just don’t go get one. Later I think to myself, “Wow I really wanted a coffee earlier, but now I don’t really care too much about it.” It is because I was not entirely convinced that the cup of coffee was going to truly satisfy me. I had a desire for coffee, but with clear understanding of it. This is experiential though, not intellectual. It is intuitive. Some desires we see and understand clearly. Some desires feel really solid and they demand to be satisfied. These we can only chip away at a little at a time, until someday we understand it and it can be let go. Like a child who has grown tired of her doll.

Ultimately, I am a romantic at heart. I can’t deny this. I do want someone special in my life... someday. And certainly something the article was missing is the fact that people are generally happier and healthier within the context of a committed love relationship where each does consider the other to be the most special person in their life. But just for now, what does it feel like to have special connections with many different people in friendship as opposed to focusing in on anyone in particular as a romantic interest? We’ll see where this takes me and for how long…

I love how Fergie says in her song, “Clumsy”: “I like serious relationships, and a girl like me don’t stay single for long. ‘Cause everytime a boyfriend and I break up, my world is crushed and I’m all alone, the love bug crawls right back up and bites me. And I’m back!”

The girl can’t help it.

Nature

My cat, Sunshine, pregnant. As she became heavy with kittens, she slowed down. She showed less interest in the world. She had more interest in just sitting on my lap and being petted.

Last Saturday, as she was on my lap, I pet her. She shivered, jumped down and went into the hallway of my house. The next thing I heard was a tiny meowing sound and I went to find the first kitten already born. Within minutes of her just having been on my lap, purring.

I watched her lick the kitten and heard her continue to purr. She ate the placenta and licked and chewed up the umbilical cord from her baby's stomach. Several minutes later, the kitten was clean and nursing. Sunshine was getting acquainted with her new little one. Once that one was settled, she shivered again and another came. She did the same with this one.

Once all four kittens were born and settled in, Mother Sunshine settled in too. Even now, several days later, she is content to simply lie with her newborns. She is quite uninterested in anything else other than tending to her young and getting up occasionally to eat and drink.

She is not thinking to herself, "I really have to get up to clean the house." Or, "Oh boy, it is only a few more weeks before I have to go back to work." Or, "I really should get up and make supper." Or, "Is it payday? I better pay the bills." Or, "What is everyone else doing?? I'm missing out!" Or... maybe she is and I just don't know it! Ha, ha.

The cat knows exactly what to do. There seems to be no question within her. There is no sense here of ways the situation could be improved upon or done differently. She has these four little babies and she just lies with them all day long because that is what she must do. And this is what she is content to do. There is no "If only" here. There is no "What if" here.

But I have an "If only": If only I could be as completely at ease with the natural unfolding of my life as my cat is!

Finding Peace on the Job

I haven't had much time to write lately. Usually I squeeze in some time at work but work has been a bit crazy.

As I drove in to work this morning, enjoying the scenery and the scent of earth after the rain, I felt so far away from work, which felt really good. I wasn't thinking about the big meeting I had to run later in the morning. I had this sense of just being completely ok with whatever was going to happen today.

It has been said that arahantship or enlightenment is really not compatible with worldly life. Those that go in that direction either die or become monks. I feel like I have an understanding of this... letting go completely certainly is not compatible with a corporate job.

The more I let go in my life and in my career, the more I wonder how much longer I can really maintain all this worldly stuff. Do I have good enough karma to let go a lot and still keep my job?? How much can I really let go before I just get fired for being too peaceful and relaxed? How far can I go with being relaxed in the particular corporate culture that I work in? When I am working, I put in my time and give my best effort, but I don't take all this as seriously as a lot of my colleagues. People really get worked up about stuff, and I just refuse. I have given up getting worked up about stuff. Doesn't mean it never happens. In fact, I can feel myself starting to get worked up about something, but usually I can catch it before it spirals out of control.

After my meeting today that was quite tense, people were sending me messages asking if I was ok. Of course I was ok. I was not thrilled about the way the meeting went, but I did the best I could with what I know and what I have to work with. I just called it a learning experience. I reminded myself that I am actually still pretty much a rookie in the role that I have now at work. It is ok if I don't know and don't do things right, as long as I make the appropriate corrections and learn from the experience.

I suppose I could find myself a career more compatible with peacefulness, but why? Why can't I be peaceful in ANY job? That challenge is why I stay. I want to learn something here. If I don't learn it here, I'll end up in some other similar experience somewhere else.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi